I write today with a heavy heart. It's Father's Day, which is typically a very joyful day. This year, however, Father's Day is concluding one of the most difficult weeks I've ever experienced. About two weeks ago Landon and I found out that we were pregnant. This is something we've been praying over for a long time, and we've been asking the Lord for the blessing of a child more intentionally and persistently over for the last six months. When we found out we were pregnant we were overjoyed to say the least. I woke up every morning and went to bed every night for about a week praising the Lord for this incredible gift. We prayed for the baby's salvation and health. We thanked God for answering our prayers. We could not wait to share the news with our friends and family. Unfortunately, we never got that chance. On Tuesday afternoon, at only about 6 weeks along, I found out that I lost the baby. The little life that God had blessed us with was unable to continue growing, and my heart was shattered. For a moment my world completely stopped. I cannot conjure an eloquent way to write about this experience. The depth of the sadness I felt, and still feel, is unlike anything I've walked through before. Landon and I are both heartbroken. We are tired, physically and emotionally, and I'm finding it difficult to refrain from replaying the events of the last week over and over in my mind.
Though we do not understand why this happened, there are two things I do understand, and I want to share these two things with you. I am not writing this post for sympathy or attention. I am writing this post to process and heal, and I am writing this post with the hopes of possibly encouraging another. I don't know what you are going through, but I am hoping the things I do know will be able to encourage you wherever you are:
- Every piece of our world is marred by sin. There is so much hurt all around us...war, violence, poverty, injustice, death...miscarriages. This week I've been tempted so many times to believe that darkness reigns. In these moments my soul is downcast, and I'm left without hope. But then, by the Spirit of God, the Word of God, and the community of God, I am reminded of the second thing that I know...
- There is hope. This morning at church we prayed over the events that happened this past week in Orlando. Our pastor said that "we live in a Genesis 3 world and await a Revelation 21 heaven." Though we live in a world completely marred by sin, we can have hope because we have a God that sent His Son to die for our sin. He traded His perfect life for our broken one, and through His sacrifice we are given eternal life. I was astonished when our pastor referenced Revelation 21 this morning, as I've been clinging to this passage all week: "Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away'" (Revelation 21:1-4).
The picture above shows all I have of the little girl or boy we lost. A nurse at the hospital gave a yellow, woven heart to us because our baby was not far enough along to be seen in an ultrasound. I do not know how to cope with the sadness and grief that I feel, but I do know that one day He will wipe away every tear from my eye. I do not know why our baby could not live, but I do know that one day death will be no more. I do not know if there will ever be a day on this earth where I do not mourn, cry, or feel pain over this loss, but I do know that one day this will all be gone. The former things will pass away. Today I am hurting because we lost a child. I am hurting because my husband is not experiencing his first Father's Day. I am hurting because of the depths of brokenness in this world. In this sadness I am clinging to the truth of His word and awaiting a Revelation 21 heaven. I grieve, but I grieve with hope. I pray He will comfort you and empower you to do the same.